It pains me to do this post and introduce Cliff Richard to my otherwise flawless blog. But it has to be done because there are some truly dire Christmas songs out there. I was reminded of Cliff's effort the other week as I walked home and the local Rotary Club was doing that annual Christmas wagon thing where they drive around bellowing our atrocious music and people in silly hats shake buckets at you. They were playing Mistletoe and Wine. Had they been playing Last Christmas I may have dug deep, as it was I sniffed haughtily and walked past them. Their own fault, I don't feel guilty.
I bring you my list of worst Christmas songs, in no particular order.
Mel Smith and Kim Wilde - Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
I almost have no words. This is terrible. I will never understand the appeal of Kim Wilde, I can sing better than her. And I despise novelty records. It's also a stupid tune.
Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day
Oh my god. Firstly, Christmas every day would be horrendous. Secondly, shut up. Thirdly, the children, the freaky children. Make it stop.
Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
I loathe this song. I loathe Noddy and I loathe its ubiquitousness. It makes me want to hurl things around and bemoan the humanity.
Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas
Why does anyone like this? Mariah caterwauling, running around in a stupid santa outfit singing something so patently untrue since she is so materialistic. It's offensive.
Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
The man who gave us Yesterday. Yes, it makes me weep too (and not in a good way).
Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone
What was the point of Shaky? Anyone worth their salt just listened to Elvis and wept for the fact they weren't American and cool. Jesus this is terrible.
I'm too depressed to do anymore. I am not delving into the fact that Ronan Keating covered The Fairytale of New York. I am not posting a link to Mistletoe and Wine because then I have to listen to a snippet of it. And I am not going near The Darkness.
Normal service will be resumed tomorrow with a great Christmas song...