Friday, 27 December 2013

Love Actually

It's ten years since this odious film was released. I have nothing against Richard Curtis, I love Four Weddings and adore Notting Hill but this film makes me angry and what makes me most angry is that I watch it when it comes on the telly. I am watching it now. WHY? Why do I do it to myself? Let me explain why I loathe it by story lines.

Keira Knightley. I don't understand why she gets any work, she's a terrible actress and she has a funny jaw. Whatever. Good luck to her. This story is so trite. He's in love with his his best friend's wife and it's not romantic. He makes a creepy wedding video where it's all shots of her. He then turns up at her doorstep doing this Bob Dylan pastiche. Arrrrghh. It's awful. He's awful, she's awful and the story is awful. What about his poor mate? No mention of that. And the godawful wedding where they burst into All You Need Is Love. Again, awful.

Bill Nighy. I don't share the Bill love but again, that's my problem. This story of him doing Christmas Is All Around is again, so cringeable and unfunny. Why are we meant to find it funny that he sings this with a bevvy of buxom ladies?

2003 and he's writing on a typewriter. WTF? Cliches ahoy with the Italian/Spanish/French (I paid no attention to where he is meant to be) woman falling in love with him despite them not speaking a word of each other's language.

This one moment is funny, in fact it's the best moment of the film, but why is she not allowed to have a boyfriend because of her brother? Why does she answer the phone in the middle of finally making out with the hot guy? Why does she not explain to him? He seems like a sensitive chap, I am sure he'd understand. It's nonsense.

No film is ever better with the addition of Rowan Atkinson just to be clear. And this is no exception. This scene goes on and on and it's tedious and Not Funny.

Hugh Grant as Prime Minister? Ummmm. Maybe. Billy Bob Thornton as the US president? No. And this scene is so ridiculous that I can't believe anyone requires an explanation as to why.

This storyline is moronic. No goofy English guy would rock up in America and be a hit like this. American women are not stupid. That is January Jones next to him by the way. I am embarrassed for all of them.

The widowed dad. CLICHE ALERT. A 10 year old is in love and we're meant to take it seriously and find it heart-warming. I find it nauseating. And the precocious girl he likes sings that damn Mariah Carey Christmas song. It makes me want to cry. And not in a good way.

Much is made of Emma Thompson and rightly so since she can actually act and does so here effortlessly. Her scene crying over the Joni Mitchell CD is touching but she's married to such an arse that you wonder why she bothers.

I don't even know what to say about this. Again, not funny and Martin Freeman is another bland, boring actor that mystifyingly gets work.

It comes to something when the best story involves Martine McCutcheon. But she is sweet in this and the scene near the end where he goes carol singing with his security is quite amusing.

Finally, it has Ant and Dec in it. And Michael Parkinson.

Gawd. It's a contender for worst film ever made and I am never watching it again. Ever. It is designed to appeal to the lowest possible denominator and I'm afraid I do judge people who like this film as idiots.

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